between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
