Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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