I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
