Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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