I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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