I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
