if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
