When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
