My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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