ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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