why didn't you poke me back
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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