Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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