the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
