How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
