Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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