Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize