You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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