god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
