I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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