I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
