All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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