So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
