I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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