Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
