then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
