you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
