last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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