im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
