Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
