i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
