I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
