I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
