dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
