remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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