I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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