he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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