1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize