I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
