i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
