Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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