I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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