i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I deserve this hangover.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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