Me. At least after what I've been through.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
