I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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