is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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