Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
