i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm going to jail i love you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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