I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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