I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's like iHOP with fire
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
