I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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