I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
