Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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