he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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