it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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