im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
