I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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