Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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