Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
