you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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